Two years... In so many ways is feels like yesterday. The deep open wounds of my heart are still gaping and painful and impossible to ignore. I feel the weight of her absence every day. I thought by now things would not feel so sad. In the sadness, however, I have found God.
When you lose a child there is an isolation that occurs. You carry on throughout the day and surround yourself with people but you are still alone. You smile but below the surface there is pain that no one quite understands. When no one understands you on Earth you cling to the One that knows your heart. God has pulled me through these dark days but there is a long distance ahead.
I want to be done suffering but God has called me to suffer with Him. He has called me to lean on him and not one my own understanding. I believe He has a plan and that it right and good and perfect. Despite my quiet suffering, I will follow where He leads. I imagine Mary felt similarly after Jesus died. I have spent so much time reflecting on that.
I long for heaven but he has not called me there yet. One day the suffering and sadness will be over. One day we will all be called Home to the Father's arms. We will know the fullness of truth and love and peace that this world cannot know without us all running to Him.