Thursday, October 16, 2014

Love changes you

I love my husband. I have loved him from day one. Even when we weren't dating and I intentionally ignored him for an entire summer, I loved him. My heart knew it before my head did. I have always loved him.

I remember one night before we were officially dating, I was driving home from his house after watching a movie with him and his roommates. It hit me that I loved him and I knew there was no turning back. He was it for me. I cried driving home that night, but they were the happiest tears. I saw where my life was going and I knew that he was going to be a part of it. Always.
Takin' it back to October 2008... We had JUST started dating.
My love for my husband has grown over the years. I love him more now than I did that night driving home. More than I did when I got on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of our lives together. More than I did when we said "I do."

Since the vows our relationship has changed. We have responsibilities, jobs, bills. We eventually bought a house and found out we were pregnant... two huge events. We lost our daughter, Anna, last November and our relationship changed again. We needed each other more than ever. Our love grew.

Very shortly after, we found out we were pregnant again. There was joy, fear but most of all... love. And it grew over the last nine months until the day that our son was born. Then it exploded!

I could quite literally feel my heart fill to the rim and I have never felt that way before. I am the luckist girl in the word to be married to such a wonderful man and to have such a beautiful and perfect son. Watching Patrick be an amazing dad makes me love my family even more. It makes me want to love them perfectly.
The night Luke was born.
I had no doubts that Patrick would be an excellent father but seeing it all play out is breathtaking. It melts my heart to see Patrick and Luke lock eyes and hear Patrick say, "Daddy loves you." To see him try to comfort Luke when he is crying because Vitamin D and Zantac are just disgusting. To see him kiss his little head and tell him good night. It brings on feelings that I didn't know I could feel.
Patrick is such a great and very involved dad. I'm so blessed to have him by my side. 
Patrick and his mini me.
These feelings are love. Pure and simple and beautiful love.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Miracle of Life

I had every intention of posting on update when I hit 40 weeks on September 17th. I took this picture... like I always do.

This was right before I left my house for my OB appointment. I woke up that morning amazed that I made it to 40 weeks. I was happy and also a little irritated. The last week had been rough to say the least and not knowing when it would all come to an end was just a little disheartening. I hesitate to say that I had been miserable because that sounds like I had no joy. I was very seriously looking forward to the birth of our son but.... pregnancy is hard.

I walked into the OB office ready to give the doctor an ultimatum of sorts. I was going to tell her that (despite her disbelief in induction) we had to set an induction date TODAY. I didn't care that it could potentially not be fore a couple more weeks. I just needed to see an end in sight. Realistically, I knew I wouldn't be pregnant forever but I at least needed to be able to count down or something. Like I mentioned, the last week had been rough with pain, contractions, difficulty with daily tasks... and remember that I was planning to work up until the day he was born.

The appointment was going just like it usually does, pee in a cup, step on the scale, check BP... wait for the doctor. She walked in an asked how I was doing and I gave her the low down without sounding like I was complaining too much. I always play down my pain. Pride.

She got out the doppler and started to look for the heartbeat and then looked at me funny as we listened to that sweet lub-dub of his heart. "That's quite a contraction you are having there." And I probably made some comment to brush it off... like I always do. Then she checked me. "Wow... you are a good 6 cm, 50% effaced. Your cervix is very favorable!" She sounded surprised.

After a short discussion she basically told me that I have probably been in early "unorganized labor" for  the better part of a week. She said that it could be any time now. OR I could run down and get some Jack Stack BBQ (It was the Hospital's Annual Employee Appreciation lunch and she knew I worked there) and then meet her up on Labor and Delivery and she could break my water and we could "see what happens."


So I quickly texted Patrick, who also works at the hospital, to try and catch him before his noon meeting. I went to the floor he works on and told him it was Baby Time. He kind of started sweating and immediately asked if everything was ok to which I assured him everything was fine. He finished up at work while I went down to grab my BBQ.

I sat with some work friends and they all couldn't believe that I was just sitting around laughing and joking and eating BBQ and then I was going to go have a baby. One of the doctors jokingly said, "6 cm?!?! Are you ok? Can't things start falling out at 6 cm??!" His wife has only had a C-section for their twins so he doesn't have a lot of personal experience with labor haha.

After my "last supper," Patrick and I headed up to the Labor and Delivery floor, got checked in and situated and then the doctor came in. She broke my water which was much less painful this time around. The plan was to wait and see if anything happened over the next several hours, to see if this labor could become "organized" or is I would have any contractions at all. The hope was that I would go into labor on my own, but if I didn't they would induce me with Pitocin. I really didn't WANT medication for induction but at this point I was just so ready to meet my sweet boy that I didn't care!

I will spare you the details but here is the basic timeline:
1:30 PM- Water broken, 6cm, 50% effaced
2:30 PM- Went for a walk in the hallway and HELLO, CONTRACTIONS!
3:00 PM- 6cm, 90% effaced, started hypnobirthing (I will have to do another post about that one day)
4:00 PM- 8 cm, 100% effaced, OB notified
4:15 PM-  10 cm, 100% effaced, I told the nurse she may have to deliver this baby if Dr. doesnt show up.... so they called her again and told her to get there STAT. They told me to "breathe through the next few contractions until the doctor got there."
4:30 PM- Dr. arrived and I started pushing with the contractions.

Birth was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I had no pain medication and no induction medication. It was all me. My body. I felt his head weighing down and my body was pushing him out (quite literally on its own) with each contraction. I realize that my pushing was just facilitating what my body was already managing on its own. They could see his head and they kept calling him "Alfalfa." I couldn't believe he had hair! I was a baldy at birth... and for a few years actually! I birthed his head and there was immediate relief. . They told me to give one more push so I did. Mid-push one of the nurses said, "Do you want to help deliver your baby?" I thought, "Ummm... that's what I'm doing." I opened my eyes and saw the face and upper body of my sweet little boy. I quickly understood what they meant and I reached down and pulled him the rest of the way out! It was the most amazing moment of my entire life!

4:50 PM- Birth!
We did it! This was my first moment with Luke Joseph Gorman. 
Admiring our gift from God.
This is pure joy.
Beautiful. He weighed 9 lbs and was 22 inches long.
Look at my long baby! THIS fit inside me. Look up at that belly picture and be amazed!

More related posts to follow :)