Advent and Christmas FLEW by! Here's a recap...

I cannot believe Christmas has come and gone (but not really GONE because we still have Epiphany, duh!). I had some really great ideas about blog posts because obviously I have been deep in thought recently and this time of year really brings out the introvert in me.... which kinda sounds like an oxymoron. I digress.

SO here's a quick photo recap of my Christmas season:

It snowed a little in December but we missed the "big" snow on 5 inches. Doesn't our house look so pretty!?

And Rosalyn is not a fan of the cold. Other than the fact that she gets to cuddle a little more.

And I drank a lot of wine. Just because.

We stopped in Fort Scott on our way to Texas and had dinner and opened presents with Patrick's family. I made Patrick and Brian take a Christmas picture with me. They love pictures... sarcasm :)

And we had to take a picture with the dogs! Jett and Rosalyn!

Patrick and I got this from his cousin/godmother...

And Rosalyn got a bone. She loved it... as evident by photo below.

And Patrick stumbled upon this gem! He would like it to be known that I MADE him take this picture. Because I have that kind of power, ya know! haha But seriously check out all those patches! I married a total stud, ya'll!

We ended up not staying the night in FOrt Scott like we planned. We learned that a big ice storm was coming in the middle of the night and we were afraid we would have trouble getting on the road in the early morning. Luckily, we made the right decision and drove about 4 hours south until around midnight to beat the weather! Fort Scott was a sheet of ice the next morning. We stayed in a hotel, got a few hours of sleep and then hit the road again. We made it to Texas safe and sound! And warm! We also ate a Whataburger... 3 times total on our trip. I don't even feel bad about it!

This was Patrick's first Christmas with my family ever. I did my best to prepare him for all of our silly traditions. I think he liked it haha. We went and ate pizza at Greek Tony's and then strolling down Old Town Spring and took all the silly pictures at all the same places that we have been doing since we were little.

So in love with this man. 

Then we came home and watched Christmas Vacation by the light of the Christmas Tree. How Pretty!

Rosalyn and Penny (my family dog growing up) are mesmerized by the million lights on the tree!

We got all dressed up and went to the Cheesecake Factory! Yay! Only problem is that we used to be able to fit 6 people comfortably in my mom's old van, formally known as "The Wilson Bus." Well the van finally kicked the bucket so my mom got a really nice Nissan Rogue... which seats 5 and not all that comfortably. But don't worry. We made it work. We squeezed in and mom was our cargo. I wish I was kidding. I'm not. Mom (in her dress, hosiery and heels) was laying in the trunk area  of the small SUV. ***Disclaimer: No one made her do this. Many volunteered to be the cargo. Many offered to drive a second car. She would not have it. She took the togetherness of the season to a whole new level. God love her :)

Jam packed in the SUV... mom in the trunk.

Oh yeah and I ate my weight in food at the Cheesecake Facotry. Gluttony at it's finest. But here are a few family pictures. We clean up ok, I guess.

Brother and mom... and my bangs out of place.

Dad, Rachel and Patrick... lookin' good :)

Crammed into a booth! And my bangs out of place again!

My favorite person... and my dang bangs. Seriously.

Then we went to Mass at my home Parish, St. Anthony of Padua. It's my home away from home. My other family.

Two of my closest friends from growing up in the Woods. 

No idea why Santa was at Church... but "The Beach Crew" took advantage of the photo op.

And then we came home and did our Secret Santa gift exchange. Let me explain how this is done. We start with the youngest person and end with the oldest. That person has to guess who their Secret Santa is. When they get it right they then have to play 'Hot/Cold" (you're getting warmer, you're getting colder and all that... you know what I mean) to find their gift which is hidden in a secret place somewhere in the house. Then we all watch that person open their gift and there are hugs and thank-yous and all that jazz. And then we move on to the next oldest person and so on and so on. Look how excited we are for Secret Santa in this picture!

Family Photo in our pajamas. Ros has demon eyes like always... and didn't smile. She can be so difficult sometimes!

Well... now we are back to Missouri and getting settled back in after all the excitement of the season. We hit the ground running as soon as we got here to get the house in order. More on that later.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and spent time with the people they love!

Duck Dynasty Controversy... How dare Phil share his beliefs when asked!!!

I have friends that are gay, one of my closest friends is college is actually, and my lesbian neighbors that just got married in Minnesota are some if the loveliest people I have ever met. They have the biggest hearts and I honestly feel lucky to know them. 

But why do some people (no matter which way they swing) make such a big deal about being gay. I don't make a big deal about being straight and married to a man. I'm just a person.

I'm sure this is shocking but the duck dynasty wilderness man, Phil Robertson, sparked my interest in writing about this. In case you are living under a rock and haven't heard the news read his interview with GQ here.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/television/201401/duck-dynasty-phil-robertson#ixzz2nqd2YKIT

So here's the thing... I like Phil. I like the whole Robertson clan. Are they really tactful, polished people? Eh, I personally don't think so. And that's ok. He is not a philosopher. He's not the pope. And he is not infallible. But I don't think what he said is so far off base. 

This is what I think is wrong with the world. We are always putting people in a box. What's up with that?! We are more than gay or straight or bisexual or whatever! 

I have some unpopular opinions, too. I believe it is a sin to have sex before marriage. Shocking, right?! I know... It is so "old fashioned."  Call me old school but I think it is equally wrong whether you are gay or straight. I don't believe you go straight to hell for it either though. I actually believe that God is God and I am not. So I'm gonna let him make that call. 

Oh and here is a crazy thought. Maybe everyone is a sinner. Maybe my habitual cursing like a sailor (that I always say I'm gonna work on and never do) and drinking wine several nights a week (which is has been pretty frequent recently... Happy holidays!) is no better in the eyes of God than having sex before marriage. I don't know. Again, I'm not God. I'm not gonna judge... That's too big of a job.

I just have my beliefs. And over and above my beliefs in what is right and what is wrong I believe that all life, all people are created by God. And that God called us to love. So while we all have sins and crosses to carry and mistakes we have made we are all called to love despite all if it. We don't have to understand each other. We don't have to agree with each other. But we should love each other.

So while I think Phil was pretty coarse in the language, I have to stand with him because I believe that under all that roughness and toughness, he loves all people. He is a family man that wants to lead people closer to Christ and that is not something you see in public figures very often. I commend you, Phil Robertson!

Peace

It's the Second Sunday of Advent. My goodness... time is flying! This is the Sunday of Peace and although I have known this for years this is the first time peace has been such a profound theme in my life.

I am at peace.

I recently experienced a great loss. My unborn daughter died inside me four weeks ago tomorrow. My heart still hurts when I think about it. But it's hard to explain my feelings. I feel deep sadness over the loss and simultaneously pure joy over the gift of Anna Marie. She was my greatest blessing and I will forever be thankful for the opportunity to be her mother. I would love to hold her in my arms again, but the images in my mind of her in the arms her her Heavenly Mother warm my heart. Words just are not adequate... I can't explain it.

People that don't know me well enough have been tip-toeing around the elephant in the room. They treat me like I am damaged and that I might fall apart at the mention of my loss. I'm not though. I'm at peace. Happy even. And hopeful for what God has planned for our future. Like maybe more children! I hope so. Not that any child will ever "replace" Anna. I will always carry her with me in my heart. But this whole experience has affirmed my vocation to motherhood.

So this is what it is to be at peace. It doesn't mean that I am always smiling and happy-go-lucky and that things in life are just so perfect. It's not. I'm human. But my peace comes from my faith and trust in God's will and my hope that He will carry me through. I have no worries and I have no regrets.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Anna Marie

This is a little past due but if you are expecting a coherent update you will be very disappointment. This is going to be a jumbled mess of a post.

On 11/11/13 I went to work. I prayed on my drive there like I have done for the last 2 months. I prayed that I would feel her move and that it would be a sign, a sort of reassurance that she was ok. That's how I felt about every movement. I called for the intercession of the Saints and spoke most directly to the most perfect Mother. I just thought she would understand how I was feeling.

I didn't feel her for most of the morning, but I often don't pay much attention when I'm that busy at work. Then, I felt it. that fluttering. It was the most undeniably movement I had felt thus far, it was strong. And I prayed a silent "thank you" to God for that sign. I could now relax, and breathe and feel good about my OB appointment that afternoon. I was actually anticipating it. Every appointment felt like a milestone to me.

I was going to go by myself but Patrick realized he was going to be off work in time for my 4:15 appointment. It's nice when he can make it. Driving to the doctor I realized that in the business of my day I had not felt her move anymore. Not since I felt that very obvious fluttering earlier in the day. Moments later I felt a pain. It was really more like a cramp but it was sharp. It lasted a few seconds and then nothing. I brushed it off. It was easy to convince myself that everything was going to be fine... "I felt her move today."

Every time I go to the Dr, no matter how early or late I am, I end up waiting a good 30 minutes. No one seems to be in a hurry in that office. But I always am. We are a very special kind of nervous first time parents.

The Dr finally came in and asked how we were doing with everything, and if I had been feeling a lot of movement which I proudly said I had. She asked if we had talked about names, and we told her we had. We were going to name her Anna Marie. She asked when my next Perinatal appointment was and if they had talked about Genetic Counseling for us given the diagnosis of Turner Syndrome. It was a nice talk, really, and probably the most positive feeling one we had had in a while. I think Patrick and I were just finally feeling confident about everything. And I felt like a proud mother... we were beating the odds!

She got the doppler out and we listened closely.

Nothing.

After several minutes of nervous searching she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. I'm not finding a heartbeat." She left the room to grab the portable ultrasound and I didn't shed a tear. "This isn't happening. This can't happen," I said to myself. And I told Patrick that I didn't think she was very good at finding the heartbeat anyways... which was a lie. Plus I had felt her move THAT MORNING. I was trying to stay positive. But we both knew. And she confirmed it with the ultrasound. Anna was very still and there was no movement anymore, not even in the place where I could always see her little heart pumping.

In that very moment my heart broke. There are not words to describe the feeling. The pain. The utter sadness that I felt. I tried to be strong in front of the doctor but eventually I couldn't do it anymore. She left the room to give us a few minutes alone. Patrick and I held on to each other for a long time and cried. I don't even know what was said between us. It was a long time but somehow it just feels like a blur.

On 11/12/13, my mom flew in to Wichita. Thank God for that. I knew I needed her I just didn't know how much.

On 11/13/13 at 5 AM I was admitted to the hospital to deliver our baby girl. I was going to be strong. I was going to be induced and I was going to hold it together and I would have this baby in probably the next 10-12 hrs. I thought...

I didn't feel my first contraction until about noon. It was not painful, just a little uncomfortable. by 2 PM I was exhausted and just ready for it to be over. By 5 PM, 12 hours after admission.... still no baby and honestly not much pain.

Labor happened just like it always does so I won't give you a play by play. But I will tell you, it was hard and I did feel pain. And at one point I thought, "If I was having a live baby this might be worth it." But then I pushed that thought aside. She was worth it.

On 11/14/13, with no doctor in the room and no nurse at my side, I had Anna Marie at 0621 AM. It happened really fast (when sounds funny since it took over 24 hrs for her to arrive) so my mom didn't get to leave the room like we originally planned. My mom and Patrick were on either side of me holding my hands through the hardest part and I thank God they were there.

My mom left the room and Patrick and I held our little girl. We cried and hugged and kissed and stared at her beautiful face. She had Patrick's nose and my eyes. Even though her poor little body wasn't "perfect" because of her condition, she was so perfect to me. She was so sweet. I could have stared at her all day. And if she had been alive I could have stared at her all day every day. I wish that had been the case....

Our parents came in and joined us and they took turns holding her but I held her the most. I knew our time with her was limited. The funeral home would be coming to pick her up. I knew logically we could not take her home but I wanted to. I knew logically we could not stay at the hospital with her but I wanted to. I knew she wasn't alive but holding her felt so good and so right and I didn't want it to end.

After about 6 hrs, the funeral home came to pick her up. They came and got her from our hospital room. I refused to let them take her to Pathology to lay on a cold table by herself. I didn't care if she wasn't alive. I didn't want her to be by herself. And I didn't care how irrational I sounded saying that either... so they made an exception.

Handing her to the gentleman from the funeral home broke my heart all over again. That was the last moment I would ever look at my first little baby girl, my sweet little Anna. That was it. It was very anticlimactic. Very final. And it hurt my heart. I have never felt sadness like that.

The funeral was two days later. It was a small gravesite service attending only by my mom, sister, in-laws, our two best friends, Patrick and me. It went too fast. And when it ended I felt that same feeling of finality. And my heart hurt again.

It has been three weeks now. I have been back to work for a while now. Everyone asks how I'm doing and I just say, "I'm ok." I don't really know how to answer that. It never seemed like such a complex question before. The thing is, I'd be lying if I said I'm great but really.... I'm not falling apart. I'm ok.

The reason I'm not wallowing in sadness (which I think would be perfectly acceptable for anyone who has lost a child by the way) is because I'm not afraid. I was afraid that Anna's life would mean nothing because she didn't really get to live. I was worried she would suffer and feel pain. I was never worried about me. I was always afraid for her and how her condition would affect her life. But the thing is, her life meant the world. She WAS important and she WAS a part of the Big Plan. People believed and prayed and showed love because of Anna. Anna made me talk to God in a way that I didn't know I could. She made me love her and Patrick in ways I never knew I could. She was everything to me and because of her I will never be the same.

Let me be clear... I cry all the time. I cried typing this because it felt like I was reliving it. I'm sad, really I am. I miss her. I miss carrying her around with me and feeling her move inside me. I wish she was still here. But I have no regrets about any of it. I would not do anything differently. I wouldn't trade those 6 hours of holding her for anything in the world. I will never forget it. Those were precious moments and I will always look back on this as a special memory... a very happy and very sad memory. And I will always love my little girl.

Thank you for your prayers. We all have another angel to watch over us now.

The Diagnosis

After the Amniocentesis on Oct. 25th the Perinatal office told me it would probably be at least 2 weeks before the results would be available. I was going to have to be patient, and I was. So much so that I was not expecting that phone call yesterday.

My amazing doctor was still in Hawaii so one of his partners called me. "It's Turner Syndrome," she said. I wrote it down on a piece of scratch paper as if I didn't know what it was. But I know. She asked me if I wanted to come in with my husband before my next appointment for genetic counseling and I told her I would call her back after talking to Patrick. I wrote down her name, too, as if I wouldn't remember it in my head for the rest of my life.

Click. I set my cell phone down and sat at my desk at work and let the tears come. I couldn't even tell what the tears were.... happy? sad? shocked? relieved? It was all of them though.

More than anything I was relieved and happy which is very confusing when you get a diagnosis like that for your unborn child. I should be more shocked. I should be more sad. These are the feelings that should be taking me over. But they aren't.

I knew what the possible diagnoses were when I decided to do the Amniocentesis. The most likely culprits based on Baby Girl's condition were Edward Syndrome, Down Syndrome, and Turner Syndrome. Everyone pretty much knows what Downs is but most people are less familiar with the others. Edwards babies (if they even make it to birth) typically only live for days at the most and have lots of physical and neurological defects. Turner's babies (again, if they make it to birth) typically have an excellent outcome. While no child is exactly the same they normally grow up to live very successful and happy lives with minimal neurological defects is any. They are known to be shorter in stature with a short webbed neck (from the cystic hygroma shrinking... its just leftover skin), and they are also infertile and can have congenital heart problems.

While deep down I was hoping it was nothing and we could just go back to hoping these abnormalities would resolve on their own, you can probably understand my relief that it was not Edwards or Downs.  I feel like in a weird way this is the best news we have gotten since this all started a month ago. I'm happy that our little girl might have a normal life.

Unfortunately, this diagnosis does not help her odds right now. According to everything I'm reading, 99% of babies conceived with Turner Syndrome are either miscarried or stillborn. We are trying not to focus on the statistics and in fact my doctor is very anti-stats. But it's still hard. Everyday is scary. And everyday is a blessing.

A blessing. That is exactly what all of this is. This is our child. This is our little girl. No diagnosis, no abnormality, no difficulty we endure will change how much I love her. I have never known a love like this. It captivates your heart. She's my baby girl.

Update on Baby Gorman

I had my second Perinatal appointment today. I have been staying pretty positive up until a few days ago. I just feel like I have to mentally prepare myself for the worst. I know that sounds awful but I'm honestly just trying to find the balance between being optimistic and being realistic.

I don't think I slept much last night. I think I must have slept on and off though because I don't remember turning my alarm off and I woke up in a panic when Patrick woke me up 30 minutes after I was planning on waking up. We hurried around and finally scrambled out the door to our separate cars.

I got to the hospital before him and waited in the lobby, continuing my litany of prayers to my go-to Saints. We were both quiet, obviously with a lot on our minds. As the elevator doors opened on the 6th floor Patrick just said, "I love you." And we walked down the hall to the office.

The Dr got started with the ultrasound and just seconds after the transducer hit my belly he said, "We have a heart beat!" Immediate relief came over me. The cystic hygroma and hydrops are still present with really no improvement but Baby seems to be handling it well so far! We looked at the heart valves and chambers and saw the widely patent pulmonary artery. We looked at the kidneys and stomach and saw the little arms and legs and hands and feet. All of which appeared to be normal. There was no clubbing or cleft lip/palate.

We were both so happy to hear all of that. Of course, the best case scenario would be complete reversal of the cystic hygroma and fluid build up but this is still positive news... and we are good with that!

We went ahead and did an amniocentesis which I would not recommend to the average pregnant lady. It hurt. And I had a hard time keeping my abdominal muscles relaxed. And that needle was in there a long time because they had a hard time penetrating the membrane. Awesome. It was quick once they got it to go through though. Thank goodness.

So now we wait again. I can expect to hear back with amniocentesis results in about 2 weeks and then another Perinatal appointment in 3 weeks. And while I wish Patrick could be at that appointment with me I am SO happy that it will be when my mom is in town!

Keep those prayers coming! My friends these days include Saint Gerard, Saint Jude, Saint Joseph, Ven. Fulton Sheen, Bl. John Paul II, Saint Anne, and Mother Mary... obviously. I appreciate all the love and support of my friends and family. This is such a difficult time and honestly not something I ever dreamed we would be dealing with but I am so thankful there are people around us to keep us positive and prayerful and hopeful.

150...

That is how many beats our little baby's heart is beating per minute.... it's still beating.

This feels like such a huge victory to me!

This is the first time in my life I have felt like a proud mother. Then, I realized I AM a proud mother! I am so proud of our little baby for fighting. Keep those prayers coming, ya'll!

Our Sweet Little Baby

I recently caught you up on all the excitement and joy that has been my life over the last several months. The absolute, hands-down, undeniably best part of everything has been the excitement and anticipation of new life, our first child. I have been wanting to write down all about my pregnancy thus far and what it was like when we first found out but now I don't know where to start...

Our child has been loved before we even knew it was inside me. Days before I took a pregnancy test I was fairly certain it would be positive and I fell in love. Love is a funny thing and it never ceases to amaze me. I have never been a mother before but somehow I feel that bond that can only be felt between a mother and her child.

Patrick was elated. I have never seen him so happy. He had one of those "Oh my God, is this really happening?" moments, but in a good way. There are really no words to describe those feelings. I remember every detail of that night we found out that we were going to be parents.

Up until a few days ago, it had been a relatively uneventful pregnancy. No morning sickness, very rare nausea and food aversions. I ate well and exercised semi-regularly and about a month ago I finally started to see the change in my body. I thought I would hate seeing my body change but it was a welcome change. It meant my baby was REALLY in there and growing big and strong. I was just thinking the other day... Man, pregnancy has been a piece of cake!

But it can't all be good. Something told me that something wasn't right. It was having symptoms of any kind at all. I just had this gut feeling. I'm a pretty intuitive person, more than most people I've realized. So when the feeling didn't go away I had to take matters into my own hands. I, a very flexible and not at all demanding woman, demanded an ultrasound.

After a lot of reluctance from my OB they got me scheduled for that day (this last Tuesday). I made quick plans for someone to cover for me a work and I left to get the ultrasound. The tech was very nice,  young girl that could not have been more than a year or two older than me. I asked how long she had been doing this and she said 5 years. "Good", I thought, "Maybe she has enough experience to know what's wrong." As I stared at the screen and watched my little baby squirm around I saw, with my untrained eyes, exactly what was wrong. A few tears ran down the side of my face but she didn't see. She was concentrating. She saw it too. I don't know a lot about ultrasounds and I don't always know what they are looking at but I knew that this was not normal.

I asked her about the apparent sac of fluid on the back of my sweet baby's head and neck. She acknowledged that it was there but I knew (being in the medical profession myself) that it wasn't her job to tell me what it was. I already knew anyways. It took a long time. Longer than I even expected. She seemed to have trouble getting good pictures. But eventually she finished up and I wiped the gel from my lower, slightly rounded abdomen. She left the room and my eternity started.

I must have looked at my watch a million times in the 20 minutes it took the Radiologist to come back to talk to me. But he finally came in, introduced himself and sat down. A concerned look came across his face like he was searching for the right words. I already knew though. He said, "There was several abnormalities on the pictures." The tears came immediately despite my every effort to hold them back. He handed me a box of tissues and continued with the diagnosis of Cystic Hygroma and Fetal Hydrops. I continued to cry but managed to explain that I already knew what that was. He talked about the pleural effusions and acsites which are really just fancy medical terms for excessive fluid in the lungs and abdominal area, respectively. The words heart failure were mentioned and the difficulty visualizing the kidneys because of all the fluid.

At one point, I must have been really crying because he asked if I wanted him to stop. But I didn't. I needed to know exactly what I was up against. He was a very nice doctor and I am sure that is not the news he wanted to give. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the concerned looks and the honest way he spoke to me.

Telling Patrick was the worst thing. I tried to put my emotions aside so I could explain everything I knew to him but my heart was broken. Patrick managed to get off work to go to a Perinatologist appointment with me the following morning. My OB wanted me seen right away, and I found their urgency even more disheartening. The drive there and the 30 minute wait in the waiting room were awful. Patrick and I knew based on the findings that terminating the pregnancy would be suggested. I didn't even want to hear it. I know to most people its an option but its not an option for us. We don't believe in that. I was shivering with nervousness, which I only remember happening a few times in my life. Finally we were called back.

They skipped the sonographer and cut right to the chase by bringing the Dr in to take a look. I liked him right away. He was very matter of fact with us and explained that this was a very severe case. He explained that many babies aren't able to pull through it but that he has seen it happen even in severe cases. He told us that there was a pretty good possibility that our sweet baby as a chromosomal abnormality. Based on what he saw he was fairly certain it's a girl which led him to think maybe Turner's syndrome. From here on out I will probably refer to the baby as a girl, just FYI, even though it is not 100% certain. I just can't say "it" anymore. Even if I find out its a boy in a few weeks, that would be OK. I just can't say "it" anymore.

The doctor said, "I am getting the feeling from you guys that termination is not an option." He said it as a statement. Hallelujah! Thank you, God. This doctor gets it! Patrick and I both knew it was an option but neither one of us wanted a doctor to suggest ripping the life away from our precious baby. We love her too much. And the Dr went on to explain what can be done, which is very little as it turns out.

So here is the plan: We pray. The odds are not in our favor and we understand the reality of the situation but medicine cannot fix what is happening to our little angel. We hope for a miracle, that things will spontaneously reverse despite the severity of the situation. We realize that if by some miracle our baby makes it to term that there is a strong chance she will not be most peoples' definition of "normal" and she may not be with us for very long but please, God let her live. Let me hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her, at least for a little while. And if it is Your Will that she go to be with you in heaven, I will find a way to accept that.

It has been a rough week. My emotions are off the charts but I have found some peace. I know I cannot look too far into the future because I am really just praying for another day for my little girl to live. One day at a time. Tomorrow I have a regular OB appointment and my prayer today is that there is still a heartbeat at the office visit tomorrow. That would feel like such a huge victory at this point when I feel so defeated and helpless. I love my sweet little baby and I am not ready to let her go.

I know that there are only a small handful of people that ready this blog and it has never been my intention to have followers but if you somehow stumbled upon this blog, will you please pray for us?For me, Patrick and our sweet little baby. Add us to your prayer list maybe? I strongly believe in the power of prayer. It is my comfort right now. I'll try to update the blog after tomorrows appointment.

Shut down

Today is day three of the government shut down. I won't pretend like I know all about it because I don't. I do, however, find it frustrating (like the majority of the American people) that Congress can''t seems to get their act together. And because of this, the People suffer.

It's my personal opinion that there are actually too many people in "government" jobs. I hope that doesn't offend anybody. It's not that I want those jobs to be done away with... I just don't think the government needs to have their hands in EVERYTHING.

But today we have a problem because the are tons (not even sure exactly how many) of people that are considered "non-essential" that are not allowed to work. NOT ALLOWED! That adds a whole new meaning to the term "unemployment."

These are people that get up everyday, go to work, do their job, do a good job, and come home to their families. But then we have Congress which is apparently "essential" that still get's to go to work but they aren't doing their jobs. They are doing a pretty lousy job obviously. How unfair is that?!?!

I am thankful today for my job. I am still getting a paycheck while others are not. I can only pray that these issues get resolved in a timely manor so the American people can get back to work and get on with their lives.

Lately...

Since I took a nice little hiatus I should probably catch you up...

Patrick graduated with his Doctorate in Physical Therapy in May.

Dr. Gorman with his floppy hat... I love it!

My favorite.

He was temporarily unemployed after graduation due to a delay in receiving his license... not because of any fault of his but because the government takes their sweet time with these kinds of things. I felt like I needed to clear that up so you wouldn't think he had a problem with the background check or something haha. Anyways... we got to go visit my family in Texas so it ended up being a good thing!

Apparently, this is the only picture from that trip... but here you have Rachel and Patrick (bff's).

We started house hunting in June and put an offer in on a short sale... which is a really misleading name because it is NOT a short process! Dear Lord has it been a journey!

Patrick and I had our two year anniversary on July 2nd!

Best day ever. 

We did the normal go out to dinner thing and then spent the 4th of July weekend at the lake with family.

Patrick, Kevin (best friend and groomsman) and Brian (brother and best man)

Fireworks show from the pontoon in the middle of the lake!

In July, Patrick also started his new job as a Physical Therapist in the SAME BUILDING I WORK IN!!! I always loved the idea of him being so close but this has turned out to be an even bigger blessing than I had anticipated.

In August, I totaled my little Honda on the highway. I hydroplaned which was really bad but I was basically OK... just sore. Very sore. I'll probably have to write a post on that one day.

Yes, the trunk is in the back seat...

I bought a new car.. RAV4, baby! I'm in love with it.

This picture does not do it justice... even though my sister says it looks like a "mom car"

We have been packing up the little one bedroom apartment that was our first home together because we FINALLY closed on that darn short sale last Friday. Hallelujah! Trust me... there will be more on this later! :)

Smiles of relief that it is finally over after over 3 months of waiting!

Oh, and we are gonna have a baby in March 2014 :)

I'm officially in the 2nd trimester today actually... time is already flying!

So if this quick little post tells you anything... it's that big things are happening in the Gorman house and I suddenly have a lot to write about!

So I'm not done writing after all :)

I'M BACK!!!

...I know, I can't believe it either.

Well folks, I took a nice long break from the blogging world... a retreat, if you will. But here I am!

Back in April/May, I really was feeling like I needed to take some time to step back and live a little. That may sound silly but I was spending too much time with my laptop and my iphone wondering if anyone was reading my blog posts. Or thinking, "did that sound stupid?" or "will anyone think that was funny?" That sounds ridiculous but I'm being honest even though I'm a little embarrassed by it. Truth is... it's not about me. And it never really was.

A lot has happened in the 4 months away from my laptop but I will get to that later. I have a lot going on and a lot of people that I love that I can't talk to on a regular basis because of the distance between us. I'm back because of THEM.

I vow to ignore the numbers under "pageviews today" and "followers" and to just enjoy communicating with real people that I know and love... not the so-called "fans." Because I enjoy relationships and I'm just not the kind of person that has fans :)

So, here is goes! Don't expect a post every day or even every week because this is real life and I make no promises! But I'm oddly excited about everything.

I'm out

I started this blog less than a year ago after journaling for many years with the thought that this would be a good way to journal and chronicle my life. I have decided to leave the blogging world though. I realized there is just something therapeutic about writing and I just felt hesitant about my writings being public... Cuz ya know I just have such a huge following and all haha.
Anyways, I'm done blogging. I much prefer keeping my thoughts between me and the people closest to me. But it's been real, y'all!

Over and out...

Celebrating Patrick

This week I started my new job with the Cardiologist. I LOVE it... but I will love it even more when I am not in orientation anymore. I'm not good at watching other people do the work. I would much rather do it myself. I'm also not good at just sitting so any time I get the chance to grab something from the printer or fill up my cup of coffee... I practically JUMP out of my seat. But it will get better. More on that later :)

Also this week we had yet another snow storm. I may have mentioned this already but I am just not used to this weather... being from Texas and all. BUT I am starting to like it. Snow is just so pretty! Yeah its a pain to get out in but it is just so beautiful!

30 minutes in and it's already beautiful.

Our church this morning on Palm Sunday

Now for the good stuff...

Happy Birthday, Patrick cookie cake 

German Chocolate Cake... thanks for the recipe, Mom!

Today is my dear sweet husband's birthday. Patrick is 26 years old today which it really young in the grand scheme of things but it's closer to 30 than 20... therefore he is "old" in my book. Last night we were laughing about how time flies. It seems like last week we were hanging out at the Newman Center on campus and two-stepping at Twister's on the weekends. And now we are here: married almost two years, I'm on my second job, he is graduating with his doctorate and we are thinking about buying a house.... time does fly!

Patrick is the most amazing man I have ever met. When I dreamed of my future husband when I was younger I had an image in my mind. Patrick is all of those things and then more. God had better plans than I could have ever dreamed up by myself. Patrick is honest and dependable. He is selfless and giving. He cares more about fulfilling God's plan than fitting in with the rest of the world. He is tall and handsome and his eyes make me melt (yeah it's cheesy but its true). He loves his family. He treats everyone with the respect they deserve. He is helpful. He is encouraging. He is faithful. And he is the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

Today I am so happy that God created such a wonderful man and that he was raised but such loving parents that taught him well. I am so thankful for my place in His plan.

I love this man!

On Patrick's 26th Birthday we braved winter weather to get to Palm Sunday Mass, watched a little March Madness (GO KU!) with our two closest friends, Katie and Steven and chowed down on cake and pizza... I wonder what we will be doing 50 years form now when he turns 76? 

I love this journey.

My Brother, the Pope and an ache in my heart

I heard the news the Pope Benedict XVI was resigning literally as I was walking out the door for my shift at the hospital and my heart hurt. There were so many questions. I had stayed up way past my "work bedtime" reading the book my George Ratzinger, My Brother, The Pope and for the first time in his eight years I felt like I knew my Pope. And now...

I put the book down for while, not because I was done or didn't want to read it, but because I simply had some other things going on. The other night I decided that I needed to finish before we had a new pope and I have learned so much about the man, Joseph Ratzinger, and what it means to be Pope.

It was not about power or honor for our pope emeritus. He was so humble and reserved and never saw himself in the seat of Peter. But the man is loving and true and hearing his brother, George, tell us from his perspective made me feel so close to this man that I have never met. And now he is no longer our pope. The torch will be passed to some other man who will carry the burden. It will not be about power or honor for the new pope either.

My heart is heavy. It aches a little but I can't explain how I feel... not really. I literally just watched black smoke billow out of the papal smokestack. I know they cardinals will come to a conclusion in God's time but I am a little impatient. You see, the news is talking about this election and their being two sides and how the church has all this scandal blah, blah, blah. It is driving me insane...

PEOPLE! The Pope has already been chosen! We just don't know who it is yet. God made a man for this job and the cardinals of the world are simply... figuring it out. They are not "picking" someone. There is not a "front runner" and this is not a popularity contest. It is so much deeper than that. Stop predicting.

I have fallen more in love with the Catholic Church in the past month. I have a newfound respect for our history and the whole process that is unchanging. It is really amazing. I love my faith and I love knowing where it came from. I cannot wait to find out who the next Pope will be.

So until we know more... my eyes will be on that smokestack waiting for the white smoke and ringing of the bells!

Pray without ceasing.

7 Quick Takes #7

1. Like I mentioned here, it has been kinda of a crazy week at work. Not because of the actual work but because of everyone talking about me leaving. It's kinda nice to feel wanted from both sides but it is also way more attention than I like.

2. Today is Patrick's last day of is most favorite clinical. I think it surprised him how much he loved it and I know he is really going to miss the people. He only has one more nine week clinical rotation to go before graduation! Yay! I hope he likes the next one. Maybe it will surprise him, too :)

3. I can see the grass!!!!! After weeks of several inches of snow it is finally warming up enough to melt it! Yesterday was the first day that I could see significant amounts of grass in a long time. Come on over, Spring!

4. I wanna be in Roma right now. If you haven't heard, it's kinda the place to be right now. All the cardinals are there. According to a blog post by Cardinal Dolan of the US, they are all talking about the "big issues" and says the new pontiff will bring about radical change... namely the change of the human heart. One of my other favorites, Cardinal DiNardo said they are all asking themselves "who will be the next Peter?" The whole process is pretty fantastic and I wrote about it here. I'm honestly without words when I think about how amazing this is and how blessed I am to be a part of the Catholic Church.

Cardinal DiNardo praying the Rosary

Other Cardinals in prayer. So beautiful.

5. Can we please talk about how fast time is flying by? I am still getting used to writing 2013 instead of 2012 and here we are in the middle of March. A few months ago I probably would have welcomed the swiftness of time passing by but now I feel like I need to put on the breaks. There is just a lot going on (new job, Boards and graduation for Patrick, our lease is coming up etc) and I don't want to miss anything!

6. I have mentioned before that the hubby and I are trying to eat healthy. We allow ourselves one day a week (usually on the weekend) to cheat a little. Well this passed weekend we cheated... a lot. It is amazing how sluggish and awful we both felt. And to think that we used to eat that may on a semi-regular basis! I would choose a healthy lifestyle over feeling like that any day!

7. My goal for today (other than tackling the laundry and a little bit of cleaning) is to learn the song Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show on my guitar. I haven't taught myself a song in a while and I heard that one on the radio and it didn't sound too hard. I was going to post a video but I watch the music video for the first time and it was... weird... and mildly disturbing. Anyways... it was probably not blog-appropriate haha.

HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL!

For way more interesting quick takes from way cooler blogger go over to Jen's blog!

Not knowing is terrifying me a little.

Since this is basically my online journal sometimes I just have to write out how I feel to sort things out and ultimately come to a conclusion. There... I warned you :)


I put in my 2 weeks notice on Monday for the job that I have been in love (and borderline obsessed with) for going on two years. This is my first day off this week and I feel like I was kind of the hot topic at work the past few days. There have been many comments thrown around to the Cardiology group that they are "stealing me away" and whatnot. It has been truly flattering to see people on both sides that want me. I wanted the people I care about most to hear it from me and most of them did but news travels fast. Now that it is official I have so many emotions.

I have been certain that this new job is the right thing for weeks but knowing that I will be saying good-bye to a great job and great people leaves me with an overwhelming sense of loss. We (particularly my weekend crew) know each other so well and truly are friends in and outside of work. I am close with my manager who is like a little mother hen. There are just so many wonderful things about my current job. It's like a family.

And then I think about this NEW job... other than all the excited feelings of newness I am unbelievably excited about how much I will learn. I knew when I graduated from nursing school that I was not done learning. I have continued to educate myself by attending seminars and classes and I LOVE it. I really think I took my education for granted a little bit. I am also looking forward to working closely with the doctors... again from an educational stand point. I am looking forward to meeting new people and building new relationships. I am excited about the schedule and more reasonable hours and the fact that this job is probably more conducive to family life. And the pay isn't too bad either :)  (I realize that is probably in poor taste to mention publicly but that has been everyone's question so now you don't have to ask ha)

Yesterday, my current boss (who has been so understanding and has given me many congratulations on this accomplishment) told me "the grass isn't always greener on the other side." I smiled politely and told her "I know" but the more I think about it... I have no idea. And that terrifies me a little. I am afraid that I am leaving something wonderful that I love for something that I know nothing about.

But how will I know if I don't try.

The decision has been made and even though my current boss says that it's not too late to change my mind and stay with the current job that I am comfortable in... I know I can't really turn back. And honestly, I don't want to. I have so many questions and fears but I have just as many (if not more) things to be happy and excited about.

"Whatever you are, be a good one." -Abraham Lincoln


Thanks for letting me get that out.

"Under Lock and Key" to "Fill the Empty Seat"

I have been Catholic for a few years now... OK close to a quarter of a century but that is nothing compared to how long the Catholic Church has been around. I am continually amazed at how beautiful the Faith is but I obviously still have so much more to learn.

This is only the second conclave of my lifetime and I was in high school for the first one. I think because Pope John Paul II was Pope for all of my life leading up to that point it had never really occurred to me how a person BECOMES a pope. I had no idea there was so much that I didn't know.

Now here I am in my twenties and the Church is about to elect a new Pope. And I am STILL amazed at how much I don't know. I witnessed (on TV) a historical moment in the Church when Pope Benedict XVI left Saint Peter's in Rome and when the Swiss guards walked away from him for the last time. I will probably always get goosebumps thinking about that moment.

Sede Vacante

Now what...

Soon all the Cardinals of the world will gather in the ancient city of Rome and they will be locked and guarded in the Sistine Chapel until they reach a decision. This is quite possibly the greatest decision they will ever make. For some it is not the first time they have been to the conclave (which literally means "under lock and key") but for others this may be the first and last.

This week I learned a lot about this whole process though I am sure there is so much more to it. I learned that the Pope's  ring known as "the Fisherman's Ring" will be smashed and destroyed along with all the principal seals of office. This is so that they cannot be used during the period of "sede vacante" which means "vacant seat." I don't know why but the phrase makes me sad. I want that seat to be filled.

Also, I learned that if you are a Cardinal over the age of 80 then they don't let you vote! In the Apostolic Constitution (which I didn't know existed) it says that the max number of voters should be 120 and if you exclude the cardinals currently over the age of 80 and a few others not attending due to health we will have 115 Cardinals casting their ballots... that's cutting it pretty close! I am thinking there must be some Divine Intervention that helps them keep that rule but who knows.

I read in a great article here about all the traditions that occur on the morning before the conclave. They have a special mass for the election of the new pope and they chant a Latin hymn, "Veni Creator Spiritus" and then they head to the Sistine Chapel where they swear an oath of secrecy and the Master of Papal Liturgical Celebrations (how would you like to have that title!?) shouts, "Extra omnes!" Everyone else, out!

Seclusion.

And all the billion other Catholics wait for the white smoke.

Dark smoke indicates they have voted but not come to a conclusion as they must reach a two-thirds majority for the vote to be conclusive. The smoke comes from burning the ballots. If they don't have a clear selection after 3 days they basically take a day off. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to be in that Chapel for three days without a conclusion? After the "day off" they resume... and we wait.

Fun fact: The next Pope doesn't HAVE TO be a Cardinal. Yeah... it blew my mind too. It is highly unlikely that they would choose someone that is NOT a Cardinal, I guess. But this is the Holy Spirit we are talking about! Things happen.

Also, when they DO reach a decision. The man selected is asked if he accepts (which he can decline) and if he does they ask him right then and there what name he will go by and he is immediately the Pope. There isn't a grace period like in the USA with the time between election day and the inauguration. He is Pope just like that. That would stress me out... which is why they are holy people and I am over here hoping for a fraction of their holiness. THEN, they go put on the white Papal vestments and the Cardinals sing a joyful hymn and....

"Habemus Papam" "We have a Pope!" 

I obviously know very little seeing as I will never be a part of it but I think our generation has an advantage. I believe these men in red are holy but they need our prayers and this is a situation where I feel like the media can be used to our advantage. This is our opportunity to learn and to grow and to be ONE. This is not a time to be divisive.

Honduran Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga is among some of the popular names mentioned in ramblings by the media as a possible successor. The Cardinal told Catholic New Service that he will be looking for "a person of faith, a person of love with a big heart to understand, especially, the human sufferings of today and to understand we are only servants, not kings."

Cardinal DiNardo and myself a few years ago.

I personally am kind of a fan of Cardinal Daniel DiNardo of the Galveston-Houston Diocese which is where I grew up. I know the man personally and have found him to be a faith-filled and joyful man. He loves to educate people on the Faith and he preaches of love and sacrifice. An article in the NCRegister quoted him saying, “[People] are looking for someone who is Peter. They’re looking for a shepherd, someone who can feed the sheep, give them good teaching and also encouragement." While I know this humble man was not thinking of himself when he said this I can't help but think he would do just that... be Peter.

*goosebumps*

This is so exciting and can hardly contain myself! Seriously... I realize I'm kind of a nerdy Catholic but this is AMAZING! Doesn't it make you proud to be a part of it?! I just can't believe the strength of these Cardinals to be a part of such a thing. My prayers will be going out to them! Let's all do that :)

PS- Who wants to have a Conclave Watch Party? Cuz I do.

7 Quick Takes #6

For more Quick Takes go to Conversion Diary!

1. Well... Secret is out. I got a new job! Sorry if that is not as exciting as the pregnancy announcement you were all expecting but I am pretty much ecstatic! I will be working for a group of Cardiologists that I already know well from working at the hospital. They are a great group and I had imagined working for them since early in my career but I didn't figure that would come for several years. I wasn't really looking for a job but one of the doctors actually approached me about it a few weeks ago and I have been in the interview process ever since. This is huge. I'll keep you posted on all that!

2. I have a very good relationship with my current boss and I am not looking forward to talking to her about this new job. It's not because I think she will be mad... I'm afraid she will be sad. I will be telling her Monday so keep it on the DL.

3. This week has been exhausting not only because of Snowmagedon Part 2 which I wrote about here, but also because of the following:

4. The Pope officially resigned. I know this is historic and wonderful but watching the Swiss guards walk away and close the doors of Castel Gandolfo brought tears to my eyes. There were just too many emotions. This man was so humble my mind cannot clearly fathom. I was sad about the end of his papacy. I was nervous about the conclave (not that I am in any way involved other than praying for the Cardinal I adopted). And I was hopeful about the future. Too much for one girl to handle in a matter of minutes.

5. I finally joined the rest of the world and got a phone with a data plan. And since I never do anything half way... I got the iphone5. My mind is blown. How did I live without this!?!

6. It is still snowing and while I would be happy to never have to actually drive on slick roads again... I'm kinda starting to like snow. It is so pretty.

7. I got really tired of eating fish every Friday (of Lent) so I decided to mix it up and make Tostadas. Patrick fried some low carb tortillas in a skillet, I put a layer of refried beans, sour cream, shredded cheese and jalapenos and tossed them in the oven until the cheese was all melty. It was fantastic! So If you are looking for an easy meal that is meatless... I recommend it :)

Happy Friday Y'all! Have a lovely weekend!