39!

Here I am at 39 weeks with my baby boy!

I look happy, huh?! Haha

Baby has dropped I think and I am nice and puffy from about my mid calf down. It's pretty sexy. But honestly, I'm good with it. He will be here any day now and I know he will come at just the right time. So even though I'm anxious for him to make his appearance, I'm ok with waiting a little bit if I have to. He will come when the time is right!

Prayers for a happy, healthy and safe delivery in the near future would be so appreciated :)

Dreams and rainbows

Baby boy will be here any day! We are so excited... Overjoyed! But sometimes I feel guilty for being happy.

I know there is no rule on how long one should mourn the loss of their child but sometimes I worry I never got to finish mourning. I mean, I found out I was pregnant again less than 2 months after I delivered little Anna. Stillbirths are terrible. They are difficult. They are emotional. But I have been thankful that I was given our baby boy so soon. It gave me something to be happy about again. 

But the guilt still hits me. Sometimes when I'm really excited and anticipating the arrival of our son, Anna pops into my head and I feel bad for being happy. I feel like I need to apologize to her. I don't want her to ever be "forgotten."

This has been my fear all along. And I have that same guilt when people ask me, "Is this your first?" And I say yes. Not because I believe that my baby boy is my first child but because I feel like if they don't already know then maybe they don't need to know... And not because I don't want to talk about it but I have learned that people (other people) are really uncomfortable talking about it... Probably because they assume I am uncomfortable. Which I'm not.

Anna has given me some signs that everything is ok though. Or maybe it's God. Or both. I don't really know. Maybe it's all in my head. But I feel better. 

Ever since Anna passed away I have thought that rainbows were a sign that she was still around, watching over Patrick and I. Why a rainbow? Well, the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry says, "Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my color. Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, oh, ain't even gray and she buries her baby." Tearing up a little? It gets me every time. Anyways, I have only seen 2 or 3 rainbows since she passed but it was always when I really needed it. And on my drive to work last week I was emotional. I had the guilt. I want to be happy about the birth of my son but I still miss my daughter. And then I saw the most perfect rainbow shooting up out of downtown Kansas City. And this picture doesn't do it justice. 

You can barely see it in this picture. I promise it was impressive when I was actually driving but ya know... Safety first. No taking pictures and driving.

And then, this weekend I had a dream that Patrick and I were bringing our son home from the hospital and as we were walking up the front steps of our house I saw a baby (maybe a year old) standing, holding herself up against the tall glass windows on the sides of our front foot. She had the biggest smile in her face, and she was still pretty bald (I was bald until I was about 2 haha). We were so excited to see each other and when I opened the door she reached up to me and said, "mama!" I scooped her up and introduced her to her brother. We weren't at all alarmed that she was home alone. 

And now I'm tearing up typing this. I wish she was here. I will never feel differently about that because I'm human. But I think it's ok for me to feel the joy of this new life. Anna is going to watch over us.

38 + weeks and over it :)

Yay for 38 weeks! It continues to blow my mind that I have had this baby inside me for this long AND he will be here so soon!

Pregnancy is truly amazing. Seriously, think about it. Women have the ability to grow a human being INSIDE OF THEM. That baby is alive and moving around and then when they get big enough they are born and... It is just amazing. I can't think of a more appropriate word right now. 

As great and to be honest miraculous pregnancy is I am over it. I'm done. I want him to get out all ready. I know this sounds pretty contradictory considering how amazing I think pregnancy and birth is but it's the truth. And here is why: I am unbelievably tired of hearing all the commentary from acquaintances and strangers alike. It's like these people have never seen a pregnant lady before.

"Are you having triplets or just twins." This is not an acceptable comment to make to anyone ever. This is implying that I am huge. Which I am because I'm 9months pregnant, but still, no one is allowed to comment in my size.

"You are carrying so high. There is no way you are having a boy. It must be a girl." Do you have any idea what kind if anxiety that gives me. Everything I have is boyish. And while it actually doesn't matter if I'm having a boy or girl in my mind... I'm a planner. The ultrasound tech told me it was a boy and that is what I have been planning on for the last 20 or so weeks.

"A salad? Your baby needs more than salad." So am I fat or small? I'm confused. Thanks but my baby is fine. He is getting plenty if nutrients. And quite frankly I can't comfortably eat steak and potatoes because that baby boy that I am carrying so high is obstructing the space where my stomach used to be. Plus, I am following my salad with a large chocolate chip cookie... But that's beside the point. Mind your own business.

"You are still here!?" I get this every day of work. It's not even my due date. You can start acting surprised to see me after September 17 th. Until then, just plan on me being here. I know I look like I'm ready to pop but I'm carrying too high, remember? Baby boy is takin his time.

"Enjoy your alone time while you still can." "Enjoy your sleep while you can." Etcetera. Last time I checked having a child was a blessing, not a curse. This was not an accident. This was not something someone made us do or that we did out of obligation. We made a conscious decision to love each other and the children we create knowing the sacrifices that go along with it. My life is not going to end when I have a baby. It is a new chapter beginning.

"Get an epidural, whatever you do!!! ... Oh you can't have one? Labor is going to be terrible." Thanks. Heard that before. It's called labor for a reason. But you don't know me and you don't know what I am capable of and your judgements are not in anyway beneficial to me. I am confident in myself and my body's ability to give birth. I don't judge people that have cesarean sections because sometimes that really is the best thing. I just don't think it's right for me. People did it without medical intervention for years. I can handle it but thanks for telling me I can't.

You see... I feel like I am constantly under the microscope. People are always analyze me physically. And looking at me.  Which I don't like. And everyone seems to be an expert in child growing and birthing. They also fail to remember that I have already experienced labor with my stillborn daughter. But I don't like to bring that up. I try to keep my mouth shut. I try to be polite and smile and nod. I just wish others would do the same.

So here I am at 38 + weeks pregnant. Large. Uncomfortable. And I just want him to come already. I'm ready for this.