That sweet face

Today at work I asked one of the ultrasound techs to scan me so I could see my sweet boy. They agreed even though we really aren't supposed to do that!!

I got to see the sweetest little face! I saw those cute little lips opening and closing. And that nose that is so unmistakably a trait that he gets from his daddy! 

That little boy was squirming around, sucking his thumb, stretching out his legs, flipping around and well... Not being very cooperative for pictures haha.

I'm in my third trimester now and it's all starting to feel more and more real. Like.. It's really sinking in now! I cannot wait to meet this little baby boy and hold him and kiss him and love him. 

Pregnancy is hard but seeing that sweet face makes it feel like it's worth it. 

As a nurse, it drives me crazy when patients call and say they think they have "blank" because they googled it. But I definitely diagnosed myself with something. It's called symphysis pubis dysfunction and it sucks. My OB is probably going to look at me like I need crazy pills when I tell her. Anyways, it's this terrible pain that is concentrated at your pubic bone area and little things like rolling over in bed and getting into a car and putting on a pair of pants really freaking hurts.

So between that pain (which is also preventing me from exercising right now), the increasing edema at my ankles and the lovely weight gain... I'm not feeling really pretty. And I may or may not have had a hormonal preggo moment last night where I cried in bed staring at my puffy ankles propped up on pillows.... Not important.

Please don't be too disturbed by the next photo... Just in case feet weren't already kind of disgusting, let's add some fluid overload :) 

But that face! Aww he is so cute! I supposed I can endure all this and swallow my pride and deal with the pain... If it's for him :)

It is finished.

I have so many emotions: finality, relief, sorrow, peace. How does someone even begin to sort through all of that.

Saturday, we had Anna's grave marker placed. After many months, it's done. There is nothing left for me to do. 

As relieved as I am, it almost makes me sad. There is nothing left that I will ever do for my daughter. There is nothing else to do. It's over.

But at the same time that exact same thing makes me so happy. I have done everything for my daughter that I could possibly do. I, in a way, have fulfilled my job as her mother. 

Anna is always going to be my daughter, my first little baby. She will always be part of who we are as a family and my life is better for having the privilege of being her mother. I'm proud of the lives she touched without breathing her first breath. That's my girl.

Little Anna, watch over us. Especially your little brother, Luke, as we prepare to bring him into this world. I look forward to the day we can all be together again. 

I love you forever.

- mom